Binary Tuberculosis

Night Rider

“Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?”
– Steven Wright

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results…

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well — I was at Hogwarts meself but I — er — got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang… this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding…. Any second now, he might hear his mother again… but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to… or did he?
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn’t long enough. :(

Herpes! What?! Why didn’t you tell me!!!
Reply to: anon-11777931@craigslist.org
Date: Wed May 28 09:33:57 2003

So last week I meet this gal from Dream mates and we rendezvous at a club near my house. We’re hitting it off so I invite her over to my place to watch some 3D video.

I can’t explain it but there is something about 3D video that gets me laid, like, 85% of the time. I can go from couch to bedroom in less than 15 minutes of 3D video almost every time (shit, I probably just blew my own cover because all the guys who read this are going to go out and buy 3D video systems and the next time I try to use the 3D video line the chick is going to slap me or something.)

So in less than 15 minutes this gal and I are in the bedroom and I have her stripped down to just her panties. I have learned that it is easy to strip a gal down to her panties as long as I keep kissing her (takes practice) but never, DON’T EVER, get into the panty tug-o-war. Just leave the panties alone. Get into the panty tug-o-war and it’s all over. A guy can not recover from the panty tug-o-war. Let her initiate the panty removal (i.e. wait until she pulls at least one side down her hip). Once she does then you can literally rip them panties off her cute little body. And the best way to get her to initiate the panty removal is to do the blowing hot air through the crotch thing.

So, I’m about to do the hot air through the crotch thing she goes “Wait.”

Shit. Okay. I’m thinking I know what she is going to say. She’s going to say “Do you have a condom?” Of course I do. In fact, it’s already locked and loaded on the nightstand. Something else I have learned is to let the chick tear open and apply the condom. When I do it I get all, you know, soft. I dunno why.

I start to reach for the condom when she says “There’s something I have to tell you.”

Shit. Okay. I’m thinking I know what she is going to say. She’s going to say “I’m married” or “I have a boyfriend” or “I’m seeing somebody else.” And frankly that’s perfectly fine with me. Really, it is. But I have learned you can’t just tell a chick that its perfectly fine that she’s screwing around behind her boyfriend’s back. Somehow that makes me the sleazeball even though she’s the one screwing around. I have to act all disappointed, get the sad face, and say something like “But I feel so connected to you, like, we’re already in love or something.” Then hesitate (two three four) and sigh and say “Maybe we should just stop.” And usually she’ll say something like “No, its okay. I just thought you should know.” And then I commence with the hot air through the crotch thing. But if she agrees that we should just stop then I commence with the hot air through the crotch thing anyway because she’s already made up her mind to fuck me back when we were watching 3D video – she just needed to clear her guilty conscience.

But she doesn’t say she has a boyfriend. No, she says the most frightening thing I have ever heard in my life. She says “I have herpes.”

WHAT!?!?!?!? SHIT!!! I jump up out of bed, horrified. Pffffftttt!! Pfffffffttt!! PFFFFTTT!!! I blow out the candles, turn on the lights, then jump around the room on one leg trying to get my pants back on. I’m thinking I should probably take a shower. Burn the sheets. Move.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!!” I ask, shout. “I just did.” She says. “No, I mean, earlier, like at the bar!” I say, shout. “Uh, don’t you think you are overreacting? There are precautions we can take.” She says, softly.

Precautions?!!! Yeah, like, what? Body condoms?

Anyway, the night ends in disaster – I drive her back to the club.

In retrospect I guess I did overreact. I’d like to call her and apologize and take her out again but I don’t think she wants to hear from me, especially since I practically made her jump out of the car while it was still moving when I dropped her off.

Okay. So. Last night. I meet another gal from Dream mates (much better pickings on paid sites than on free sites like CL). And we do the less than 15 minutes of 3D video and I kiss her passionately while stripping her clothes off careful not to get into the panty tug-of-war. And I’m about to do the hot air blowing through the crotch thing when, like the idiot I am, I say “Uh, you don’t have herpes or anything do you?”

And she says “WHAT!!????? SHIT!!!!” Then she jumps out of bed, horrified. Pffffftttt!! Pfffffffttt!! PFFFFTTT!!! Blows out the candles, turns out the light, then jumps around on one leg trying to get her pants back on…

<Galactic> you know what's ALWAYS bothered me? cold cereal mascots
<Galactic> I mean that is just some F**KED UP SHIT
<Galactic> the Trix rabbit, for example
<Galactic> I dunno man… if I were him I'd be f**king KILLING some kids
<Galactic> I remember a commercial where the f**kin rabbit WENT INTO A F**KIN STORE AND BOUGHT A BOX OF TRIX WITH HIS OWN F**KIN MONEY.
<Galactic> f**kin kids came outta NOWHERE and basically f**kin mug the poor stupid bitch rabbit
<Galactic> "silly rabbit Trix are for kids"
<Galactic> F**kin rabbit just sits there and looks depressed.
<Galactic> F**K NO that wouldn't fly with me
<Galactic> I'd have pimp-slapped EVERY ONE OF those f**kin bitches
<Galactic> and made them go get me the REST of a "complete breakfast" and eat Trix right in front of them bitches and THEN beat the shit out of them some more.
<Galactic> and wtf is with the disguises? All the dumb rabbit does is hide his ears and all of a sudden he's a f**kin kid?
<Galactic> I dunno about you, but if I SAW a 6 foot f**kin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap, I wouldn't immediately think
<Galactic> "Hey, there's a cool lookin human kid, let me go over and share some of my cereal with him"
<Galactic> NO.
<Galactic> I'd be thinking
<Galactic> "that's a 6 foot f**kin RABBIT with his ears tucked under a baseball cap… what the F**K was I just smoking?"
<Galactic> another thing… wtf is up with cereal being "A part of this complete breakfast"
<Galactic> last time -I- checked, cereal WAS breakfast
<Galactic> they show a big ass bowl of frosted flakes next to a waffle, a pancake, toast, a banana, a f**kin grapefruit… who the F**K eats a breakfast that big
<Galactic> Back to stupid cereal mascots…
<Galactic> Lucky Charms.
<Galactic> F**KING LUCKY CHARMS
<Galactic> Lucky can turn the f**king MOON into a marshmallow, and he can't escape a bunch of f**king 6 year olds?!?!?
<Galactic> C'mon now, Lucky.
<Galactic> I KNOW your bitch ass has got to have a "Blow the f**king kids up" spell SOMEWHERE
<Galactic> or make "kid marshamllows" and EAT those bitches.
<Galactic> "They're after me Lucky Charms!"
<Galactic> ….
<Galactic> KILL THEM, BITCH!
<Galactic> I dunno why I went off on this rant here
<Galactic> it's just always bothered me."

Phoenix> Dude, wanna hear a f****d up story?
Phoenix> So, Im at the usual weekend frat parties and i've been talking to this girl for the majority of the night.
Phoenix> Anyway I ended up going back with her to her dorm. About another 8shots later, we end up fooling around on her bed.
Phoenix> So about 10min's into her giving me head, I had to drop the fattest shit in my life.
Phoenix> All my meals were followed by 3tsp of metamucil so I could get lots of fiber in me to combat the carbs a litte. Anyway im holdin my #2 in and finally it goes away. We both end up passing out on her bed, she's butt naked and im in my boxers.
Phoenix> I wake up to piss and I find myself covered in shit. It was all over the bed,sheets,etc…. Im freakin out so I did the most horrible thing in the world.
Phoenix> She's sleeping with her back towards me, so I take my boxers off, scoop up some shit and gently smear it on the inside of her butt, her lower back, and a little on the back of her hammies.
Phoenix> I get dressed and leave… This poor girl is gonna think she did it. I didnt know what else to do though. I have no clue what im gonna do when I end up running into her.